DEAR HUSBAND, I'M SORRY.
I'm sorry my bucket is always empty.
It's the end of the day, kids are in bed, and I have nothing left in it for you.
I'm sorry the house is a mess when you come home.
I promise I cleaned it at least 3 times before giving up on a 4th.
I'm sorry I never have time to wear my hair the ways you like it.
A one minute shower before the toddler tries to get in is the best I can do most days.
I'm sorry I shy away from your touch.
The kids were all over me today and I feel like I'm suffocating.
I'm sorry I'm not much of one for conversation these days.
I've been up since 4 AM and my brain feels like mush. I barely remember what it's like to talk to adults anymore.
I'm sorry I never cook dinner anymore.
I want to get around to it but I feel overwhelmed as it is.
I'm sorry my patience is so thin lately.
The toddler has me coming unglued.
I'm sorry 3 loads of laundry have been washed but not folded or put away.
I keep meaning to get to it. Why do they never sleep at the same time so I can?
I'm sorry I'm so stressed.
I don't mind giving myself up for our family for a while. It's just hard to keep it all together some days.
I'm sorry I don't feed the toddler healthier meals and that I let her watch too much TV.
I don't know how else to survive right now.
I'm sorry I'm always complaining. About not enough sleep. About work. About the kids. About the mess. About myself.
Lately the To-Do's feel unending and always left un-done.
I'm sorry for that too.
I'm sorry for being stubborn about so many things.
I'm grasping at straws to feel like I'm in control of anything.
I'm sorry I get upset and seem ungrateful when you do things around the house.
It's because I feel guilty for not doing it myself.
I'm sorry we never text anymore.
The toddler can smell me using my phone a mile away. Even when she doesn't, my mental energy and flirty repertoire are seriously lacking these days.
I'm sorry we never go on date nights or have time to ourselves.
Our lives have become so busy.
I'm sorry that when the opportunity arises, I rarely feel like seizing it.
I'm sorry that I put the kids first in everything right now. I know you're not supposed to.
But they are small and helpless and by the time you are home I have so little left to give.
I'm sorry I don't ask for more help.
I don't always know how. I feel like a failure when I do.
I'm sorry they don't let you help them more.
They are with me all day, every day. I am their constant. I am their safe place. It won't always be this way.
I'm sorry for all the times I reject you.
I get so little sleep as it is.
I'm sorry I don't feel pretty enough for you.
I shared this body with two babies and it doesn't look or feel like mine anymore.
I'm sorry I'm so down on myself for reasons you don't understand.
You think I am everything. I feel like I am nothing.
I'm sorry I'm so angry some days.
Some days it's just one too many straws and I break.
I'm sorry that I often choose time to myself over time together.
It's how I recharge and keep my sanity for another day.
I'm sorry my emotions are all over the place.
This medication is keeping baby number 3 at bay but it also messes with my body and mind.
I'm sorry if I seem unhappy. I promise I'm not. I love the life we've created together.
This is just a time for growth and humility. And sleep deprivation. It's challenging.
I'm sorry you feel helpless in all of this.
You are my rock. Always. I just wish I was better at letting you know that.
I'm sorry for being sorry.
Because I know you don't care about any of this.
I know you don't expect a clean house or dinner waiting when you get home.
I know you don't mind folding the laundry or cleaning the bathrooms so I don't have to.
I know you love me perfectly and unconditionally and don't see the same woman in the mirror that I do.
I know you think I am the best mom to our kids.
I know you care deeply about me and only want what is best for our family, even if that means putting aside your own wants and needs.
I know you respect my feelings.
I know you're happy to do more.
I know you wish I'd let you.
I know all of this.
I'm trying to let the little things go.
I'm trying to love myself the way you love me.
But that takes time, and right now I have so little time and so much love I want to give to you and those two other beautiful little humans of ours instead.
Thank you for standing by me through it all.
For giving me space when I need it
And always being there when I don't.
Thanks for being patient while I work through my list of apologies that are more for me than they are for you.
Thank you, dear husband.
For being the one I get to say sorry to.